Chemical Pregnancy

My 2nd IUI resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  It sounds so impersonal.  I was pregnant, and then I wasn't.  Yes it was short, but it didn't make it any easier.  One day I was pregnant and the next day I wasn't.  It was crushing.

The IUI and 2 weeks were perfect.  I had a really good feeling that this was it, even with no definitive proof.  Our test day was on Thanksgiving, but of course I couldn't wait that long.  I tested on a whim in the afternoon on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and holy mother of god, there was a second line.  I freaked out and made my husband pee on 3 tests to see if it was a false positive.  It wasn't.  The next day I turned a FRER and Digital positive and I thought this was it.  We had really done it and we were done.  The Endometrin was awful but worked like a dream.  I called my RE's office and they congratulated me and set me up with a Beta that day.  Since it was the day before thanksgiving, they were closing that afternoon and couldn't give me the results but said I would probably hear on Monday and to make an appointment for a doubling draw.  I was so excited, this was it.  I even started making cute Christmas announcements for my parents and friends.  I face timed my best friend across the country and showed her the good news.  We had been through so much, a loss didn't even cross my mind, how could that possibly even happen. Thanksgiving came and I still was having positive tests.   It was like our little secret.  Thursday, Dave and I got into an argument because he was not excited and was being cautious.  I snapped at him, "can you please just be happy for once? We're pregnant, get excited."  Such a fool. 

Friday morning, I got up super early.  I wanted to take another test to see if the lines got darker.  I took a wondfo test, and as the minutes went by, there continued to be no line.  My hands began to shake and my heart pounded and I ripped out a digital test and said a prayer.  It flashed and flashed and the words "Not Pregnant" froze on the screen.  I couldn't breathe and then I began to sob and sob.  I was inconsolable on the toilet sobbing.  This couldn't be happening.  Dave, who was sleeping, came in and I couldn't even speak, I just showed him the test.  He stood there rubbing my back as I tried to get a hold of myself.  About 15 minutes later, I was able to get into bed and I just cried for the rest of the morning.  It's so unfair.  Nobody deserves to lose their pregnancy at all, but after all we'd been through, I felt especially scorned. 

My doctor called me that morning asking how I was feeling.  I could barely get out the words that I knew I wasn't pregnant.  He confirmed that my betas were 9 and was not viable.  It was so hard.  We didn't tell anyone about the miscarriage, I don't know why, it just felt too hard to talk about.  Some people feel that they need their family and would want them to know, but I just didn't feel right about it. 

Dave was pretty stoic throughout that day.  In the afternoon he came back from his run and his face was just devastated.  He said it hit him when he was running about what had just happened.  We sat on the couch and cried some more. 

We just had our 3rd IUI, which was another bust. Again our test day was on Christmas and the day after.  Both were negative.  Blank white.  I don't know what this cycle holds. The RE's office is closed for the next 2 weeks, and the RE doesn't come back until the middle of next month.  I'm so frustrated and tired.  I can't deal with people's babies at this time.  The day I miscarried I was supposed to go to a friends' baby's 1st birthday.  I sent Dave by himself.  My cousin keeps putting up facebook posts about her pregnancy and pinning baby stuff on pinterest.  I've had to unfollow so many baby boards because it just makes my heart hurt.  I"m scared this isn't going to happen.  I'm exhausted and I want to keep  my head up, but I feel totally battered and drained. 

Iui #1 results

It was a bust.  And ridiculously I thought we would be successful, even if it was a 15% chance I felt sure we would be minority.  My lining was amazing, follies were beautiful and Dave's counts were phenomenal.  But here I sit in the middle of the night with awful cramps and af.  My cousin announced she was pregnant.  I've become terrified that my friend who is trying for her second is going to lap me.  Everyone who has been trying has lapped me. It's selfish but I feel like it's our time we are due. 19 months later and there's nothing but wishful thinking and abandoned Pinterest boards. I haven't cried but it's still raw.  My cousin has created maternity clothing boards, nursery ideas and baby shower ideas, so excited to be starting this new life, and here I am.  Onto iui number 2.  Pity party for one please.

And Forward We Go

A lot has happened in these last few weeks.  I last ended my previous post reaching my weightloss goal and ready to begin Clomid.  Thursday I called my RE's office, and was all "hey I'm less of a fatty, gimme the clomid".  The receptionist wrote in the script and told me to come in on cd 13 or 14.  I decided on cd 14 and had the husband pick up the clomid.  The clomid came in individually wrapped in little foil packets, with the instructions to take them for the next 5 days.  I was grateful because it was going to be a long weekend and I could suffer out my clomid rage at home, rather than at the office.  I don't know who was more nervous about the side effects of the clomid, me or Dave.  I was prescribed 50 mg, and I was terrified of all of the side effects that could or would happen.I took it Friday night after dinner, said a small prayer and drank it down with water.  And to be honest, it wasn't that bad. The headaches, nausea, anger blackouts, hot flashes.  I had none of that. 

Over the weekend, I started to ruminate and fuss that  cd 14 was just too late.  What if I missed our chance and I ovulate early? What if I have cysts and I don't know about it? I had been feeling some pain in my ovary and I was concerned that the follicles were growing really well or it was another god-damned cyst.  I also realized that I had no idea what my RE's protocol was for the IUI.  Sadly (or thankfully) I'm not one to just blindly trust someone, so i proceeded to have a mini freak out at home.  Do I trigger and then have sex? Do I do the IUI before or after the trigger? GAH so many questions!!!

 I waited until Monday and then called the office back while we were driving on a mini road trip.  I was armed with a list of written questions to ask, in case I became so flustered that I forgot.  I was on the phone for 20 minutes.  They agreed to have me come in on cd10 (although they said just be prepared that they won't see anything and it's going to be way to early) and walked me through all of the steps.  The nurse ended the conversation by telling me not to worry, everything will be fine.  Ha, how little she knows me. 

This Friday was CD 10.  I had made peace with the fact that I was most likely over reacting and wasting 80 bucks for an ultrasound that was going to tell me nothing. Dave had the day off so he decided to come along as well.  I told him it was going to be a waste of time, that I was just going to prop my legs in stirrups,  have a camera shoved up my vagina and told that it's too early.  We get into the ultrasound room, I undress and hop up on the table.  The RE comes in and I lay down and put my legs in the air and the vag-cam goes up my vagina.  And lo and behold, there it is.  One beautiful 18mm follie, and another one not far behind.  My RE says "well you're going to trigger tonight and come in on Sunday for insemination."  What the what?!?  I sure as hell was not prepared for that scenario!  I was floored and thanked my lucky stars that I'm an over reactor and made the appointment.  My RE went on to say that if I had come in on Tuesday only, I would have missed my chance and it would have been a cycle wasted.  Ugh, after this long, each cycle is precious and I sure as hell did not want to waste one.

After that it was a flurry of activity.  We met with the nurse who showed us how to inject the trigger, it seemed simple enough, tap out the air bubble and inject.  The the receptionist told me when I had to trigger.  Midnight.  I had to trigger at midnight.  Excuse me, but do you realize that we both go to sleep by 9pm and now I have to stay up until midnight AND get a shot.  Fuck I thought, this better work.  The other receptionist (my former boss) finally recognized who I was and we got to talking.  As we left to go next door to the pharmacy,  both of them cheered as we walked out the door.  This was really happening!!!

Of course, it's never that easy.  We walked next door to the pharmacy to pick up the trigger shot.  We had to wait while they cleared it with insurance because it required a prior-auth.  We had an hour to kill before my next appointment, so I was fine with waiting.  After 45 minutes, I became uneasy.  The pharmacist said they were having difficulty with reaching the insurance company, but they could give me a coupon and the trigger shot would be about 80 bucks after the coupon.  I was ready to take the deal, but with Dave being the cheapest man alive, he wanted to wait it out.  I had to leave to go to my next appointment and left the haggling in my husband's capable hands.

Following the appointment I called Dave back.  There had been a change of plans.  He was on his way across town to pick up a different kind of shot at another pharmacy.  Apparently the nurse at my RE's office came and got him after they realized it was going to be such a hassle.  Now the trigger shot was going to be something that we had to mix together two solutions and seemed much more complicated.  Dave assured me they showed him step by step and he thought he could do it.  I started to drive home.  Twenty minutes later, as I was about to turn into our development I get a call from Dave again, asking if I had the insurance card.  "Of course not" I told him, he had it and gave it to the pharmacy.  Then it dawns on me that he probably never got his card back before he left.  Son of a bitch, now I have to drive across town (in rush hour) to get this shot, that I need tonight and he needs to go back to the other pharmacy.  We pass each other going opposite directions and I drive 30 minutes to pick up the shot.  This particular shot cost $220 but was only $5 with insurance.  Again thank you Dave's insurance!! I rush it back home and begin to wait til midnight. 

Holla at yo gurl!

Who has two thumbs and got her period in under 40 days? This girl! So I didn't ovulate.  You win some you lose some.  Beggars can't be choosers, and whatever random saying fits there.  I have like 3 pounds to go.  So I'm going to contact the doctor on cd3 (which just happens to be our anniversary) and get started on the clomid.  Woo clomid rage here I come!

Halfway

Fuck I'm so sick of salad! But I'm over halfway there.  I can do this.  I will do this.   My goal this week is to try and get into the single digits for how many pounds I have left to go.

The RE prescribed progesterone to start my period.  I had to take it for 12 days and hopefully it would induce.  And sure enough it did. There were no side effects for me.  The first day I was extremely nauseous but then it was totally fine.  Period was normal and everything.

 I'm hoping that even with this 10 pound loss it will kick my body back into gear and start ovulating a bit better.  I'm going to keep pushing myself to work as hard as I can to make this weight go away.  Seeing results has really helped, but I'm trying to not obsess.  One more pound and it will be the lowest I have weighed in maybe 2 years?  I will do this, for myself, and for my future.

Progress

Here we are, a week and a half later.  After writing my last post I was pretty upset at myself and defeated.  I had a long talk with Dave and realized that there was no ifs, ands or buts.  I needed to get moving.

So 9 days later I'm five pounds lighter.  Dave is an awesome motivator and is always cheering me on.  We exercising every single day at a minimum 40 minutes a day.  I walk the dog every night, drink more water, and have cut out our weekly Friday night candy run and eating fruit and veggies.

15 pounds seems doable.  20 was daunting and impossible.  But 15, I can do.  I'm hoping I can keep up this pace for the next six weeks.  Here's hoping

Benched

As the title says, I'm benched and its nobody's fault but my own. And I'm gutted. It's day 76 of no period so my re ran some labs. And the labs were not good. Basically I'm prediabetic and can't go any further until I lose 20 pounds. And I'm so so frustrated. I've been trying to lose weight for years with little success.

So now after a year and a half of trying and a year of really trying to get pregnant, I'm benched because I'm too much of a fatty who can't lose weight. And I can't blame anyone but me.

People say that if you want something bad enough you'll change. It's not that easy. Do people really think I enjoy being a size 14 and the heaviest in photos? I don't. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing. And now I can't get pregnant until I lose 20 pounds.

I'm so upset, at myself, at the situation and just life in general. And I just want so e Ben and Jerry's.