Halfway

Fuck I'm so sick of salad! But I'm over halfway there.  I can do this.  I will do this.   My goal this week is to try and get into the single digits for how many pounds I have left to go.

The RE prescribed progesterone to start my period.  I had to take it for 12 days and hopefully it would induce.  And sure enough it did. There were no side effects for me.  The first day I was extremely nauseous but then it was totally fine.  Period was normal and everything.

 I'm hoping that even with this 10 pound loss it will kick my body back into gear and start ovulating a bit better.  I'm going to keep pushing myself to work as hard as I can to make this weight go away.  Seeing results has really helped, but I'm trying to not obsess.  One more pound and it will be the lowest I have weighed in maybe 2 years?  I will do this, for myself, and for my future.

Progress

Here we are, a week and a half later.  After writing my last post I was pretty upset at myself and defeated.  I had a long talk with Dave and realized that there was no ifs, ands or buts.  I needed to get moving.

So 9 days later I'm five pounds lighter.  Dave is an awesome motivator and is always cheering me on.  We exercising every single day at a minimum 40 minutes a day.  I walk the dog every night, drink more water, and have cut out our weekly Friday night candy run and eating fruit and veggies.

15 pounds seems doable.  20 was daunting and impossible.  But 15, I can do.  I'm hoping I can keep up this pace for the next six weeks.  Here's hoping

Benched

As the title says, I'm benched and its nobody's fault but my own. And I'm gutted. It's day 76 of no period so my re ran some labs. And the labs were not good. Basically I'm prediabetic and can't go any further until I lose 20 pounds. And I'm so so frustrated. I've been trying to lose weight for years with little success.

So now after a year and a half of trying and a year of really trying to get pregnant, I'm benched because I'm too much of a fatty who can't lose weight. And I can't blame anyone but me.

People say that if you want something bad enough you'll change. It's not that easy. Do people really think I enjoy being a size 14 and the heaviest in photos? I don't. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing. And now I can't get pregnant until I lose 20 pounds.

I'm so upset, at myself, at the situation and just life in general. And I just want so e Ben and Jerry's.

My Love

I met my husband when I was 19 years old.  He was 20 and was a friend of the girl across the hall.  When I saw him it wasn't love at first sight, it was barely an acknowledgement.  He was our DD when we went to a frat party.  He stuck by my side throughout the night, but I kept sneaking away because I was into another guy.  Then the party got busted and I remember grabbing his hand while the cops questioned our age.  Romantic I know.

The romantic part came later.  He began to hang out with my friends more and more.  And then one day I realized I liked him, a lot.  It's weird to explain, but it felt like a part of my soul went "oh there you are."  I never felt comfortable with any other guy, but with Dave it was seamless.  He became my best friend.

Our first few months were very soap opera-y.  You know, the drama played out by teenagers who think they are adults.  He said I love you first, a complete slip of the tongue, but I believe he truly meant it.  Of course he briefly "took it back" saying he felt we were too young to feel that way.  My mom says that she felt he just wasn't ready to fall that hard, that fast, that young. I get it now, but oh the tears I cried those months.

Then one day it clicked for him and we were in it for good and never looked back. We married five years after we started dating and have been together for over eight years now, three of them as husband and wife.

He's my best friend and I can't imagine being with anyone else.  He encourages me to reach my goals, to be the best i can be, and oh the way he looks at me! It's like we are the only two people on earth.  I can feel the love in his eyes, and I feel my heart swell that it wants to burst out of my chest, I love him so! As the years go on, I fall more in love with him, and he with me.   And when we come home at night after long days at work, my soul goes "there you are" once again.  I do feel lucky in that area, my husband is the best person for me, and for that, I am blessed.

Ovaries why u no ovulate?!?

Ugh, just ovulate already bitches!

I don't think it's in the cards this cycle, considering this cycle is now on day 58.  I'm annoyed and disheartened.  And tired of sex.  After at a minimum having sex every other day, I'm over it.  Sex has lost its fun 90% of the time and is mostly just a part of the bedtime routine.  brush teeth, take meds, have sex, go to sleep.  I have been super vigilant about charting, which Ive found makes me less stressed.  My body keeps gearing up to ovulate but then nothing happens.

I do keep having waves of sadness, which keeps getting more pronounced as more people announce their pregnancies.  There was a beautiful blog entry by one of the bloggers I read, about infertility and the desire to be pregnant- Check her out.  She adopted her son from Russia last Thanksgiving and recently decided to begin infertility treatments for her second child.

So I've resigned myself that clomid is our next option.  I think my RE wants to do iui with it. Like I said in my previous entry, I feel like a bit of a failure that my body isn't ovulating, and I'm terrified of  the clomid s side effects. I talked with Dave about where he was and how he feels our next step should be. He is ready as well to move onto something else.

Next entry is going to be more positive, I promise!

Shame

Day 41 and I haven't even ovulated yet.  Last cycle was over 90 days that ended with almost two weeks of bleeding.  I'm not even sure if I ovulated last cycle, and this one is shaping up to be the same.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to do this "naturally".  I feel a lot of shame tied up in that.   Shame that I can't do the one thing my body is supposed to do.  Shame that i feel embarrassed by my inadequacies.  Shame. Shame. Shame.

My mother in law last week made a dig that since she doesn't have grand babies yet she has to fawn over my sister in laws cat.  It stung, she doesn't know how long we've been trying, but I just felt inadequate.

It's been hard.  I think another person is pregnant.  I feel that literally now everyone has gotten pregnant or had a child.  For the first time I've had to block things on Facebook and Pinterest.  It just got too hard to see other people's plans and not be at that point, after this long.  A year ago I thought for sure I'd be pregnant and now....

So now I don't know what to do.  Continue with the metformin and hope at some point ill ovulate? The thing is I don't know how much longer I can take 90 day cycles.  The next step is to do clomid and iui.  I think that's our best option, but again I feel ashamed that I couldn't get pregnant "on my own".   I feel so alone and disheartened once again.

Two Years

It's now been two years since I started having issues with my cycles.  Two years of going months without a period then normalcy for a month, only to bleed for more than a month, each day getting progressively worse, finally ending up at the ER.

I thought I was done with this shit, that I was making progress.  But here I am day 15 of spotting/bleeding. I'm so mad and exhausted. It's exhausting having to go see doctors all the time and think the problem is solved, only for it to continue month after month after month.

Tomorrow is more ultrasounds and bloodwork.  I'm sick of this all.  I keep trying to keep my head up and move forward but I'm just so disheartened right now.