My new job starts tomorrow, which means in three months we can start trying again. I've stopped talking about it to my husband. I can tell it stresses him out and there is nothing he can do about it. He assures me the three months will go quickly, and I hope they do, it's just tough knowing that each month passes there will be no chance that I will be pregnant.
I think I've talked about it before, but one of my best friends had her baby in July. On Saturday, h baby was baptized. I knew it may be tough, and it was but it wasn't crushing. She is so content and a great mom, but my heart ached throughout the day. I want a child to rock and to love, a child to kiss and to rock to sleep, to snuggle and talk with Dave about who they Resemble more and whose personality they have. As I played with her son and rocked him, I said a silent prayer that in a year I would be on my way to having our own child.
At this point, all of our friends who were trying to get pregnant are now pregnant. It stings, and I know it's not a race, but I so want to have a child, to have a grandchild for our parents. It's just tough at this time trying to embrace everyone's happiness and joy at this new phase, and stifle the sadnes and jealousy of being unable to do the same.
I'm ready for 2012 to disappear. It was a rough year with all of my health issues, the inability to get pregnant and the stress of the job. So here is to 2013. I've been repeating to myself every now and then that 2013 will be my year, and a year from now, I will be pregnant.
As the year comes to a close, despite being so rough, there are some things that I need to remind myself I'm blessed about. I have a wonderful husband, whose patience, kindness and love for me makes my heart swell in amazement and happiness. This new job will be more money and less stress, so when we do have a child, I will be less stressed and able to focus on the new changes. Plus we will have extra income to help the change. Lastly, I'm blessed for my husbands health insurance, which covers infertility treatments. If we didn't have his insurance, there would be no way we could afford all the tests I've been through.
Here is to 2013 and new beginnings.
