My 2nd IUI resulted in a chemical pregnancy. It sounds so impersonal. I was pregnant, and then I wasn't. Yes it was short, but it didn't make it any easier. One day I was pregnant and the next day I wasn't. It was crushing.
The IUI and 2 weeks were perfect. I had a really good feeling that this was it, even with no definitive proof. Our test day was on Thanksgiving, but of course I couldn't wait that long. I tested on a whim in the afternoon on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and holy mother of god, there was a second line. I freaked out and made my husband pee on 3 tests to see if it was a false positive. It wasn't. The next day I turned a FRER and Digital positive and I thought this was it. We had really done it and we were done. The Endometrin was awful but worked like a dream. I called my RE's office and they congratulated me and set me up with a Beta that day. Since it was the day before thanksgiving, they were closing that afternoon and couldn't give me the results but said I would probably hear on Monday and to make an appointment for a doubling draw. I was so excited, this was it. I even started making cute Christmas announcements for my parents and friends. I face timed my best friend across the country and showed her the good news. We had been through so much, a loss didn't even cross my mind, how could that possibly even happen. Thanksgiving came and I still was having positive tests. It was like our little secret. Thursday, Dave and I got into an argument because he was not excited and was being cautious. I snapped at him, "can you please just be happy for once? We're pregnant, get excited." Such a fool.
Friday morning, I got up super early. I wanted to take another test to see if the lines got darker. I took a wondfo test, and as the minutes went by, there continued to be no line. My hands began to shake and my heart pounded and I ripped out a digital test and said a prayer. It flashed and flashed and the words "Not Pregnant" froze on the screen. I couldn't breathe and then I began to sob and sob. I was inconsolable on the toilet sobbing. This couldn't be happening. Dave, who was sleeping, came in and I couldn't even speak, I just showed him the test. He stood there rubbing my back as I tried to get a hold of myself. About 15 minutes later, I was able to get into bed and I just cried for the rest of the morning. It's so unfair. Nobody deserves to lose their pregnancy at all, but after all we'd been through, I felt especially scorned.
My doctor called me that morning asking how I was feeling. I could barely get out the words that I knew I wasn't pregnant. He confirmed that my betas were 9 and was not viable. It was so hard. We didn't tell anyone about the miscarriage, I don't know why, it just felt too hard to talk about. Some people feel that they need their family and would want them to know, but I just didn't feel right about it.
Dave was pretty stoic throughout that day. In the afternoon he came back from his run and his face was just devastated. He said it hit him when he was running about what had just happened. We sat on the couch and cried some more.
We just had our 3rd IUI, which was another bust. Again our test day was on Christmas and the day after. Both were negative. Blank white. I don't know what this cycle holds. The RE's office is closed for the next 2 weeks, and the RE doesn't come back until the middle of next month. I'm so frustrated and tired. I can't deal with people's babies at this time. The day I miscarried I was supposed to go to a friends' baby's 1st birthday. I sent Dave by himself. My cousin keeps putting up facebook posts about her pregnancy and pinning baby stuff on pinterest. I've had to unfollow so many baby boards because it just makes my heart hurt. I"m scared this isn't going to happen. I'm exhausted and I want to keep my head up, but I feel totally battered and drained.
