Ready for the New Year

My new job starts tomorrow, which means in three months we can start trying again.  I've stopped talking about it to my husband. I can tell it stresses him out and there is nothing he can do about it.  He assures me the three months will go quickly, and I hope they do, it's just tough knowing that each month passes there will be no chance that I will be pregnant.

I think I've talked about it before, but one of my best friends had her baby in July.  On Saturday, h baby was baptized.  I knew it may be tough, and it was but it wasn't crushing.   She is so content and a great mom, but my heart ached throughout the day.  I want a child to rock and to love, a child to kiss and to rock to sleep, to snuggle and talk with Dave about who they Resemble more and whose personality they have.  As I played with her son and rocked him, I said a silent prayer that in a year I would be on my way to having our own child.

At this point, all of our friends who were trying to get pregnant are now pregnant.  It stings, and I know it's not a race, but I so want to have a child, to have a grandchild for our parents.  It's just tough at this time trying to embrace everyone's happiness and joy at this new phase, and stifle the sadnes and jealousy of being unable to do the same.

I'm ready for 2012 to disappear.  It was a rough year with all of my health issues, the inability to get pregnant and the stress of the job.  So here is to 2013.  I've been repeating to myself every now and then that 2013 will be my year, and a year from now, I will be pregnant.

As the year comes to a close, despite being so rough, there are some things that I need to remind myself I'm blessed about.  I have a wonderful husband, whose patience, kindness and love for me makes my heart swell in amazement and happiness.  This new job will be more money and less stress, so when we do have a child, I will be less stressed and able to focus on the new changes.  Plus we will have extra income to help the change.  Lastly, I'm blessed for my husbands health insurance, which covers infertility treatments.  If we didn't have his insurance, there would be no way we could afford all the tests I've been through.

Here is to 2013 and new beginnings.

Seriously peeps....

I feel like this blog is such a Debbie downer, but I feel like I never have good news...I guess the only good news would be getting ktfu.  We are now having to put a old on trying to get pregnant for the next three months.  I cried all night last night.  It's I'd something I want, we want so badly and barriers keep getting thrown up.  I'm trying to be grateful and recognize its not a big deal and will be for the best but meh.

The reason for stopping is because of a new job yay! More money, less stress, which is so so needed, but there's no maternity benefits until you have worked for a year.  And I get it, I do, it makes sense.  But I really want to pout and stomp my foot and whine it's not fairrrrrrrr, in my best bratty voice.

Annnnd another of our friends had a kid, with a chick he doesn't even like! We had no idea he was with her or pregnant and we just found out she had the baby.  It's just truly frustrating how stuck I am.

Blargh

That's the best title I can think of...blargh...I'm trying so hard to be zen and just accept what happens, but this is getting ridiculous.l

Metformin is working well, I'm ovulating at least.  We had banging timing this month (hehe banging) and I felt our odds were pretty good.  I only temped until confirmed ovulation and then stopped so I wouldn't obsess.  And then I was a day late! Squee! Peed on a test, bfn.  Shit.  Looked up my odds, well only 51% are positive. Still good odds.  Next day, bfn.  Next day BFFN.  mother fucker!

I can deal with getting my period, I'd be thrilled if it were positive, but this 4 day late shit? Total mind fuck. Sigh.  I think it's another cyst.  I'm cramping but it's to the side, not uterus.  And since there's nothing they can do ill just have to wait it out.

Blargh.

Smile even though you're crying

Cycle was a bust.  I wasn't terribly surprised but I was sad nonetheless. No tears though when af came.  I was more happy that I ovulated then anything else.  But it was still hard, during those two weeks I inveitably think of cute ways to tell our families, but this wasn't our time.

This week was my first experience of a friend telling me they were pregnant.  It was over messaging, thank goodness, because I ended up starting to cry.  Of course I'm happy for her and know she will make an amazing mother, but I wasn't aware they were even ready to start trying, so it just came as a shock, and frustration on my part.  We've been trying for over 7 months, and I know, I know that's not long enough to be considered a veteran, but this pain and heartache is all I know.  I can't fathom this for more than a year, and I'm sure the dull ache I feel will become more resonant, but for now I'm permitting myself to be upset that I still am not pregnant, and that it is just coming easier for others.  I didn't dwell too much, a song lyric from an old song came into my head "smile even though you're crying" and it's helped, I was sad for the day, but I feel okay now, I'm excited to see her pregnancy and can't wait to meet her baby, and hopefully soon, I'll have my own happy news to share.

New Cycle

Lab work got done, and the doctor said everything looked good.  He did suggest going on Metformin to help regulate my cycles.  He wants to try the metformin, and then. Add clomid in a few cycles if we arent pregnant.  After talking with the nurse about side effects and benefits I agreed to start it.  I was prescribed 2000mg a day, each pill is 500mg and apparently you work yourself up to the 2000 as the side effects can be pretty nasty.  After hearing the potential side effects, I was convinced that I'd be stuck on the toilet for three weeks with hurling everything I'd eaten for the past month (again with the over reaction).

It really ended up being no big deal.  The pill bottle smelled AWFUL though, like rotting fish, I dry heaved and then proceeded to make Dave smell it.  His gag affirmed I wasn't being a drama queen.  The pills did make me a bit queasy after I took it, but no spontaneous diarrhea thank god.

So our plan for this cycle is to bang it out every other day and see what happens.  I opted not to temp because I was stressing so much about it to the  point where I felt I was obsessing and getting upset when my body didn't do what I wanted it to.  So hopefully this will relax me a bit more and fingers crossed this is our cycle.

Onwards and Upwards

So we had the RE appt a few weeks ago.  Before the doctor saw us he wanted a semen analysis from the hubby and both of our medical history.  We made the SA appt the same day as the RE appt so that we would have the results that day.  We also could get the "sample" at home and bring it to the office.     Dave and I both decided to take the day off of work that day to just try and relax.

The day of the appt came and we had to drop the sample off at the doctors office, first thing in the morning.  We get there and we need to sign the sample in.  The receptionist looks vaguely familiar and I peek at her nametag, Oh god it's my boss from about ten years ago.  Nothing like handing a cup of your husbands jizz to your former boss.  Can we say awkward, I'm pretty sure she recognizes me, which makes me turn red instantaneously and try to avoid eye contact at all costs.

The doctor was nice, talked with us both for over an hour and did the ultrasound right then and there.  He was definitely a character, he informed Dave that his SA results were stellar and that he should hang them on the fridge, I was informed that I had a beautiful cervix which made Dave and I both feel a little awkward.  It turns out I had just ovulated! Go me! He basically said I have a very mild form of pcos and to eat healthier and look for a less stressful job (I'm in an extremely stressful social worker job where I basically cry everyday). I also got forbidden from eating my beloved potatoes...sob! Game plan was to wait it out and get bloodwork done on CD2.  Simple enough.

One week passes, two weeks pass, three weeks come and go.  Where the fuck is my period, the pregnancy tests that I repeatedly pee on all say  negative.  Dave kept thinking that it was because of the pcos, but I tried to explain to him that I already ovulated and something should be happening, cue more tears. I called the RE's office and went in for another ultrasound, well turns out that I've got a mother fucking cyst that is preventing anything from happening.  So in the three weeks since the last ultrasound, the corpus luteum sealed up and filled with fluid which was now about 1 1/2 inches diameter.  Blast.  The RE said there was nothing he could do and to wait it out some more.  Freaking A.

Then my period came, I said a thank you to the heavens, as that long summer cycle finally ended.  So following blood tests, it looks like I'm on metformin for the next few months, and if nothing then, then we move to clomid.

A part of me feels guilty and mad at myself for getting to this point.  I gained almost 50 pounds in the last four years, which has now made it difficult for me to get pregnant, and puts myself and my unborn child at risk during the pregnancy.  On a vain and random thought, I get scared that I will be one of those women who doesn't get a cute bump, and who you can't tell is pregnant so nobody ever asks.  Although overweight, I don't think I look terribly overweight, but I wonder if my husband will ever be able to feel the baby kick, given the layer of fat on my belly.  Ridiculous, crazy I know, but still a small fear.

But now we have a gameplan, and on to the next step.  Fingers crossed!

Well that didn't go as expected....

I'm infertile.

When I last wrote I was so excited (obsessed) with getting pregnant.  I knew that it wouldn't be quick but each month I hoped that was it.  And then my period was late, and I obsessively peed on sticks, and then peed some more...and nothing.  Not even the faintest of lines, just glaring white space.  I searched obsessively for statistics about late positives, but after being a month late and nothing, I called it.  Not pregnant.  And I cried, like ugly cry.  I've only been doing this since April and now my body isnt even cooperating to make it possible.  It is the only time I hoped my levels were off, but the bloodwork showed I was right on track.

So I waited for the required 60 days and called my ob.  After reading so much about it I expected her to just give me a shot of provera and move on.  But then the nurse told me that the ob recommended a reproductive endocrinologist.  I was floored, "there must be some mistake", I told her "I've only been trying for a few months".  The nurse said she would talk to the ob again and the ob called me after work.  "you need to go to see a reproductive endo". I meekly asked if she could just give me some provera and call it a day.  My ob explained that the provera only makes you bleed, but it doesn't jump start ovulation.  With my voice quivering, trying not to cry I asked if that meant that I would need infertility treatment and she said yes.  I thanked her and called Dave and began to sob, completely frustrated with myself and the fact that we need to get help so early on.

On good days I feel grateful that we will have the opportunity to make sure everything is good with us, instead of waiting a year only to find out we needed assistance early on.  Other days I'm completely depressed that we couldnt do this on our own and need help. My mind goes to worse case scenario where we might not even be able to get pregnant without ivf if at all, despite there being no indication that that is the case.

So we wait and see, our appointment is today and I'm mostly nervous, will they reject me because of my weight, will Dave's SA be normal or will we have another obstacle,  I hope it whatever is going on it will be a quick fix and we can move on.

And So It Is

I created this blog as a way to document this journey and I guess as an outlet. While my husband (Mr. Fish) is fabulous, there is only so much talk about my ovaries and TTC concerns that he will put up with. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac and doomsday person, so Mr. Fish nods his head, talks me off my ledge, all the while undoubtedly rolling his eyes behind my back. Not that I can blame him, I've convinced myself that a canker sore is actually cancer and that eventually i will have no jaw. Mr. Fish has assured me he would still love me even with no jaw.

As for this baby Fish that we're trying to make, nobody knows we're trying, with the exception of about 3 people. Certainly not our families, who would begin staring at my uterus expectantly, as if it will balloon up immediately and shoot out a baby. Not bloody likely.

At this point we are four months in. And with no baby in my uterus yet, I talk myself off the ledge that I'm barren. Yes I know it takes up to a year, and yes I know you ave to mid I just right, but that still doesn't take away the fear.

Initially when we decided to give this a try, I thought, heck we'll just do it every day and just let it happen man. The inner stoner hippie in me. But then I obsessed and researched and researched some more. So now I chart, every day, waiting for fertility friend to tell me something I don't know.

To make my irrational fears more pronounced, I have been diagnosed with Hashimotos, which is a thyroid disorder that essentially fucks up with your whole system. And as all my doctors love to point out, Hashimotos will make it harder to conceive and to carry a baby to term. But from my research, after being thoroughly freaked out by google search, its not an end all and plenty of ladies have babies, it's just a matter of regulating your hormones, which it has almost taken a whole year to do. But that's another story for another day.


So we'll see where this takes us.