Chemical Pregnancy

My 2nd IUI resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  It sounds so impersonal.  I was pregnant, and then I wasn't.  Yes it was short, but it didn't make it any easier.  One day I was pregnant and the next day I wasn't.  It was crushing.

The IUI and 2 weeks were perfect.  I had a really good feeling that this was it, even with no definitive proof.  Our test day was on Thanksgiving, but of course I couldn't wait that long.  I tested on a whim in the afternoon on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and holy mother of god, there was a second line.  I freaked out and made my husband pee on 3 tests to see if it was a false positive.  It wasn't.  The next day I turned a FRER and Digital positive and I thought this was it.  We had really done it and we were done.  The Endometrin was awful but worked like a dream.  I called my RE's office and they congratulated me and set me up with a Beta that day.  Since it was the day before thanksgiving, they were closing that afternoon and couldn't give me the results but said I would probably hear on Monday and to make an appointment for a doubling draw.  I was so excited, this was it.  I even started making cute Christmas announcements for my parents and friends.  I face timed my best friend across the country and showed her the good news.  We had been through so much, a loss didn't even cross my mind, how could that possibly even happen. Thanksgiving came and I still was having positive tests.   It was like our little secret.  Thursday, Dave and I got into an argument because he was not excited and was being cautious.  I snapped at him, "can you please just be happy for once? We're pregnant, get excited."  Such a fool. 

Friday morning, I got up super early.  I wanted to take another test to see if the lines got darker.  I took a wondfo test, and as the minutes went by, there continued to be no line.  My hands began to shake and my heart pounded and I ripped out a digital test and said a prayer.  It flashed and flashed and the words "Not Pregnant" froze on the screen.  I couldn't breathe and then I began to sob and sob.  I was inconsolable on the toilet sobbing.  This couldn't be happening.  Dave, who was sleeping, came in and I couldn't even speak, I just showed him the test.  He stood there rubbing my back as I tried to get a hold of myself.  About 15 minutes later, I was able to get into bed and I just cried for the rest of the morning.  It's so unfair.  Nobody deserves to lose their pregnancy at all, but after all we'd been through, I felt especially scorned. 

My doctor called me that morning asking how I was feeling.  I could barely get out the words that I knew I wasn't pregnant.  He confirmed that my betas were 9 and was not viable.  It was so hard.  We didn't tell anyone about the miscarriage, I don't know why, it just felt too hard to talk about.  Some people feel that they need their family and would want them to know, but I just didn't feel right about it. 

Dave was pretty stoic throughout that day.  In the afternoon he came back from his run and his face was just devastated.  He said it hit him when he was running about what had just happened.  We sat on the couch and cried some more. 

We just had our 3rd IUI, which was another bust. Again our test day was on Christmas and the day after.  Both were negative.  Blank white.  I don't know what this cycle holds. The RE's office is closed for the next 2 weeks, and the RE doesn't come back until the middle of next month.  I'm so frustrated and tired.  I can't deal with people's babies at this time.  The day I miscarried I was supposed to go to a friends' baby's 1st birthday.  I sent Dave by himself.  My cousin keeps putting up facebook posts about her pregnancy and pinning baby stuff on pinterest.  I've had to unfollow so many baby boards because it just makes my heart hurt.  I"m scared this isn't going to happen.  I'm exhausted and I want to keep  my head up, but I feel totally battered and drained. 

Iui #1 results

It was a bust.  And ridiculously I thought we would be successful, even if it was a 15% chance I felt sure we would be minority.  My lining was amazing, follies were beautiful and Dave's counts were phenomenal.  But here I sit in the middle of the night with awful cramps and af.  My cousin announced she was pregnant.  I've become terrified that my friend who is trying for her second is going to lap me.  Everyone who has been trying has lapped me. It's selfish but I feel like it's our time we are due. 19 months later and there's nothing but wishful thinking and abandoned Pinterest boards. I haven't cried but it's still raw.  My cousin has created maternity clothing boards, nursery ideas and baby shower ideas, so excited to be starting this new life, and here I am.  Onto iui number 2.  Pity party for one please.

And Forward We Go

A lot has happened in these last few weeks.  I last ended my previous post reaching my weightloss goal and ready to begin Clomid.  Thursday I called my RE's office, and was all "hey I'm less of a fatty, gimme the clomid".  The receptionist wrote in the script and told me to come in on cd 13 or 14.  I decided on cd 14 and had the husband pick up the clomid.  The clomid came in individually wrapped in little foil packets, with the instructions to take them for the next 5 days.  I was grateful because it was going to be a long weekend and I could suffer out my clomid rage at home, rather than at the office.  I don't know who was more nervous about the side effects of the clomid, me or Dave.  I was prescribed 50 mg, and I was terrified of all of the side effects that could or would happen.I took it Friday night after dinner, said a small prayer and drank it down with water.  And to be honest, it wasn't that bad. The headaches, nausea, anger blackouts, hot flashes.  I had none of that. 

Over the weekend, I started to ruminate and fuss that  cd 14 was just too late.  What if I missed our chance and I ovulate early? What if I have cysts and I don't know about it? I had been feeling some pain in my ovary and I was concerned that the follicles were growing really well or it was another god-damned cyst.  I also realized that I had no idea what my RE's protocol was for the IUI.  Sadly (or thankfully) I'm not one to just blindly trust someone, so i proceeded to have a mini freak out at home.  Do I trigger and then have sex? Do I do the IUI before or after the trigger? GAH so many questions!!!

 I waited until Monday and then called the office back while we were driving on a mini road trip.  I was armed with a list of written questions to ask, in case I became so flustered that I forgot.  I was on the phone for 20 minutes.  They agreed to have me come in on cd10 (although they said just be prepared that they won't see anything and it's going to be way to early) and walked me through all of the steps.  The nurse ended the conversation by telling me not to worry, everything will be fine.  Ha, how little she knows me. 

This Friday was CD 10.  I had made peace with the fact that I was most likely over reacting and wasting 80 bucks for an ultrasound that was going to tell me nothing. Dave had the day off so he decided to come along as well.  I told him it was going to be a waste of time, that I was just going to prop my legs in stirrups,  have a camera shoved up my vagina and told that it's too early.  We get into the ultrasound room, I undress and hop up on the table.  The RE comes in and I lay down and put my legs in the air and the vag-cam goes up my vagina.  And lo and behold, there it is.  One beautiful 18mm follie, and another one not far behind.  My RE says "well you're going to trigger tonight and come in on Sunday for insemination."  What the what?!?  I sure as hell was not prepared for that scenario!  I was floored and thanked my lucky stars that I'm an over reactor and made the appointment.  My RE went on to say that if I had come in on Tuesday only, I would have missed my chance and it would have been a cycle wasted.  Ugh, after this long, each cycle is precious and I sure as hell did not want to waste one.

After that it was a flurry of activity.  We met with the nurse who showed us how to inject the trigger, it seemed simple enough, tap out the air bubble and inject.  The the receptionist told me when I had to trigger.  Midnight.  I had to trigger at midnight.  Excuse me, but do you realize that we both go to sleep by 9pm and now I have to stay up until midnight AND get a shot.  Fuck I thought, this better work.  The other receptionist (my former boss) finally recognized who I was and we got to talking.  As we left to go next door to the pharmacy,  both of them cheered as we walked out the door.  This was really happening!!!

Of course, it's never that easy.  We walked next door to the pharmacy to pick up the trigger shot.  We had to wait while they cleared it with insurance because it required a prior-auth.  We had an hour to kill before my next appointment, so I was fine with waiting.  After 45 minutes, I became uneasy.  The pharmacist said they were having difficulty with reaching the insurance company, but they could give me a coupon and the trigger shot would be about 80 bucks after the coupon.  I was ready to take the deal, but with Dave being the cheapest man alive, he wanted to wait it out.  I had to leave to go to my next appointment and left the haggling in my husband's capable hands.

Following the appointment I called Dave back.  There had been a change of plans.  He was on his way across town to pick up a different kind of shot at another pharmacy.  Apparently the nurse at my RE's office came and got him after they realized it was going to be such a hassle.  Now the trigger shot was going to be something that we had to mix together two solutions and seemed much more complicated.  Dave assured me they showed him step by step and he thought he could do it.  I started to drive home.  Twenty minutes later, as I was about to turn into our development I get a call from Dave again, asking if I had the insurance card.  "Of course not" I told him, he had it and gave it to the pharmacy.  Then it dawns on me that he probably never got his card back before he left.  Son of a bitch, now I have to drive across town (in rush hour) to get this shot, that I need tonight and he needs to go back to the other pharmacy.  We pass each other going opposite directions and I drive 30 minutes to pick up the shot.  This particular shot cost $220 but was only $5 with insurance.  Again thank you Dave's insurance!! I rush it back home and begin to wait til midnight. 

Holla at yo gurl!

Who has two thumbs and got her period in under 40 days? This girl! So I didn't ovulate.  You win some you lose some.  Beggars can't be choosers, and whatever random saying fits there.  I have like 3 pounds to go.  So I'm going to contact the doctor on cd3 (which just happens to be our anniversary) and get started on the clomid.  Woo clomid rage here I come!

Halfway

Fuck I'm so sick of salad! But I'm over halfway there.  I can do this.  I will do this.   My goal this week is to try and get into the single digits for how many pounds I have left to go.

The RE prescribed progesterone to start my period.  I had to take it for 12 days and hopefully it would induce.  And sure enough it did. There were no side effects for me.  The first day I was extremely nauseous but then it was totally fine.  Period was normal and everything.

 I'm hoping that even with this 10 pound loss it will kick my body back into gear and start ovulating a bit better.  I'm going to keep pushing myself to work as hard as I can to make this weight go away.  Seeing results has really helped, but I'm trying to not obsess.  One more pound and it will be the lowest I have weighed in maybe 2 years?  I will do this, for myself, and for my future.

Progress

Here we are, a week and a half later.  After writing my last post I was pretty upset at myself and defeated.  I had a long talk with Dave and realized that there was no ifs, ands or buts.  I needed to get moving.

So 9 days later I'm five pounds lighter.  Dave is an awesome motivator and is always cheering me on.  We exercising every single day at a minimum 40 minutes a day.  I walk the dog every night, drink more water, and have cut out our weekly Friday night candy run and eating fruit and veggies.

15 pounds seems doable.  20 was daunting and impossible.  But 15, I can do.  I'm hoping I can keep up this pace for the next six weeks.  Here's hoping

Benched

As the title says, I'm benched and its nobody's fault but my own. And I'm gutted. It's day 76 of no period so my re ran some labs. And the labs were not good. Basically I'm prediabetic and can't go any further until I lose 20 pounds. And I'm so so frustrated. I've been trying to lose weight for years with little success.

So now after a year and a half of trying and a year of really trying to get pregnant, I'm benched because I'm too much of a fatty who can't lose weight. And I can't blame anyone but me.

People say that if you want something bad enough you'll change. It's not that easy. Do people really think I enjoy being a size 14 and the heaviest in photos? I don't. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing. And now I can't get pregnant until I lose 20 pounds.

I'm so upset, at myself, at the situation and just life in general. And I just want so e Ben and Jerry's.

My Love

I met my husband when I was 19 years old.  He was 20 and was a friend of the girl across the hall.  When I saw him it wasn't love at first sight, it was barely an acknowledgement.  He was our DD when we went to a frat party.  He stuck by my side throughout the night, but I kept sneaking away because I was into another guy.  Then the party got busted and I remember grabbing his hand while the cops questioned our age.  Romantic I know.

The romantic part came later.  He began to hang out with my friends more and more.  And then one day I realized I liked him, a lot.  It's weird to explain, but it felt like a part of my soul went "oh there you are."  I never felt comfortable with any other guy, but with Dave it was seamless.  He became my best friend.

Our first few months were very soap opera-y.  You know, the drama played out by teenagers who think they are adults.  He said I love you first, a complete slip of the tongue, but I believe he truly meant it.  Of course he briefly "took it back" saying he felt we were too young to feel that way.  My mom says that she felt he just wasn't ready to fall that hard, that fast, that young. I get it now, but oh the tears I cried those months.

Then one day it clicked for him and we were in it for good and never looked back. We married five years after we started dating and have been together for over eight years now, three of them as husband and wife.

He's my best friend and I can't imagine being with anyone else.  He encourages me to reach my goals, to be the best i can be, and oh the way he looks at me! It's like we are the only two people on earth.  I can feel the love in his eyes, and I feel my heart swell that it wants to burst out of my chest, I love him so! As the years go on, I fall more in love with him, and he with me.   And when we come home at night after long days at work, my soul goes "there you are" once again.  I do feel lucky in that area, my husband is the best person for me, and for that, I am blessed.

Ovaries why u no ovulate?!?

Ugh, just ovulate already bitches!

I don't think it's in the cards this cycle, considering this cycle is now on day 58.  I'm annoyed and disheartened.  And tired of sex.  After at a minimum having sex every other day, I'm over it.  Sex has lost its fun 90% of the time and is mostly just a part of the bedtime routine.  brush teeth, take meds, have sex, go to sleep.  I have been super vigilant about charting, which Ive found makes me less stressed.  My body keeps gearing up to ovulate but then nothing happens.

I do keep having waves of sadness, which keeps getting more pronounced as more people announce their pregnancies.  There was a beautiful blog entry by one of the bloggers I read, about infertility and the desire to be pregnant- Check her out.  She adopted her son from Russia last Thanksgiving and recently decided to begin infertility treatments for her second child.

So I've resigned myself that clomid is our next option.  I think my RE wants to do iui with it. Like I said in my previous entry, I feel like a bit of a failure that my body isn't ovulating, and I'm terrified of  the clomid s side effects. I talked with Dave about where he was and how he feels our next step should be. He is ready as well to move onto something else.

Next entry is going to be more positive, I promise!

Shame

Day 41 and I haven't even ovulated yet.  Last cycle was over 90 days that ended with almost two weeks of bleeding.  I'm not even sure if I ovulated last cycle, and this one is shaping up to be the same.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to do this "naturally".  I feel a lot of shame tied up in that.   Shame that I can't do the one thing my body is supposed to do.  Shame that i feel embarrassed by my inadequacies.  Shame. Shame. Shame.

My mother in law last week made a dig that since she doesn't have grand babies yet she has to fawn over my sister in laws cat.  It stung, she doesn't know how long we've been trying, but I just felt inadequate.

It's been hard.  I think another person is pregnant.  I feel that literally now everyone has gotten pregnant or had a child.  For the first time I've had to block things on Facebook and Pinterest.  It just got too hard to see other people's plans and not be at that point, after this long.  A year ago I thought for sure I'd be pregnant and now....

So now I don't know what to do.  Continue with the metformin and hope at some point ill ovulate? The thing is I don't know how much longer I can take 90 day cycles.  The next step is to do clomid and iui.  I think that's our best option, but again I feel ashamed that I couldn't get pregnant "on my own".   I feel so alone and disheartened once again.

Two Years

It's now been two years since I started having issues with my cycles.  Two years of going months without a period then normalcy for a month, only to bleed for more than a month, each day getting progressively worse, finally ending up at the ER.

I thought I was done with this shit, that I was making progress.  But here I am day 15 of spotting/bleeding. I'm so mad and exhausted. It's exhausting having to go see doctors all the time and think the problem is solved, only for it to continue month after month after month.

Tomorrow is more ultrasounds and bloodwork.  I'm sick of this all.  I keep trying to keep my head up and move forward but I'm just so disheartened right now.

Opinions

Since trying to get pregnant for the past year, I've become more hyper aware of the dumb things people say without thinking of who is around when they're saying something.

At work the conversation got steered towards Infertility and more specifically in vitro fertilization.  My boss began to talk about how she felt ivf was "unnatural" and that if you couldn't get pregnant the right way then maybe it's a sign that it isn't in the cards to have your own child.  Someone piped up saying they completely agreed and they couldn't understand why people just didn't adopt at that point.

It was hard, nobody knows about our struggles at this point but I still felt personally attacked.  I stayed mostly quiet throughout it all.  I feel stuck sometimes, do I discuss my infertility to make people aware of one persons experience and make them think before they say something, or keep quiet to maintain the peace and some privacy?

I feel that people should take the best course for them and their family, and I know that given my personal experience, I want to try everything first before moving to adoption.  But I know that might not be what other people want or may feel that ivf is too invasive, but that's their choice and I respect that.

As a PSA please keep your comments about what people should do with their bodies and making a family to yourself, because you don't know what the person next to you is going through.  Ill admit that prior to this past year I probably said some idiotic things so I know I'm not perfect, but seriously people, think before you speak.

I failed

Of course I took a test this morning, who am I kidding?! It was negative of course.

And five hours later my period came.  Bah.

Updates

So 60 days came and went and nothing happened.  It's so unbelievably frustrating.  Having to go day in and day out with nothing happening.  No period and no positive pregnancy test.  It's hard to describe the maddening feeling when you're body isn't cooperating and you're trying to do everything right but it's not helping.

After 67 days I went to go in for an ultrasound to see what was going on.  I thought I had another cyst, but the ultrasound actually showed good news.  No cyst and I was on the cusp of ovulating or had just ovulated.  I had strict orders from the doctor to go home and have lots of sex, which I followed to a T.

At this point 14 months in, even sex has lost it's fun.  Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it, but it can be exhausting.  My appt was now 11 days ago, and the longest luteal phase I've had with a confirmed ovulation.  This is good for two reasons, one it hopefully means that I ovulated after the appt, which made our timing excellent (and I'm pregnant) or that the b6 is working and making it so my luteal phase will support a pregnancy.

My goal is to make it to June 1st to test.  I hope I make it.

Captive

I feel like I'm on a deserted island, except instead of writing day 51 and no people in sight, it's day 51 of no period.  Seriously, day 51, or, "the time that we decided to start trying again and it was a bust but we can't try again because I'm being held captive"

I literally want to scream sometimes.  I'm 80% sure it's a cyst again.  Mother fucker, seriously?!! It hurts sometimes like a bitch on my left side, but it hasn't gone away and I'm stuck...

I keep waiting and waiting for something but bah.

And Dave tries to offer suggestions and help but he doesn't get it, which is frustrating, but sweet because he wants to help.  Ugh, lets just get this over already
 

Just Relax and It'll Happen

We're quickly coming up on a year and I'm no closer to being pregnant than this time last year.  It's disheartening and frustrating.  The hardest part is that I just feel so alone in this.  I don't have any friends who can relate, my husband is at a loss and just says things like "relax" or "don't think about it too much".  I know he's just trying to help but it just alienates me even further and withdraw him from everything even more so that he doesn't have to worry about me.

The b6 worked I think, my luteal phase has been extended by several days.  No sign of af, but my temperature plummeted which doesn't bode well.  I still took a test at the request of Dave on his birthday.  Stark white as usual.

The logical part of me understands that there's a 20% chance every month, but then sometimes I think "okay we had sex every single day, so there has to be millions of sperm up there, since they last five days, and you're telling me not one of those suckers could get into the egg, seriously? Seriously?"

So now we wait some more, and I m at a total loss.  Back to the drawing boarding I guess we will just hio until af makes her appearance.

Shit

I'm cramping.  I'm hoping that its just a phantom symptom and I'm thinking about it too much.

At this point I'm just hoping the b6 extends my cycle until Friday.  I'm 9 days post o now, just one more day, just one more day.  9 days is too short for a pregnancy to be sustainable, so I just want the b6 to make it last longer.

Bottom line, I'm bummed about the cramps but a silver lining would be if it held off until Friday

Waiting Game

So these past 2 and a half weeks we've humped like rabbits, the husband didn't seem to mind! All the while I kept peeing on opk sticks waiting for a positive. I almost ended up missing my surge, we were at my in-laws and I could only try once a day and at random hours.  I tested early in the afternoon our last day and it was negative. After we got home late that evening I tried again and it was finally positive! The following afternoon it was negative again.  Gah so much sex! There seems to be a lot of  questioning about every day versus every other day.  We did every day for about 2 and a half weeks.  Since hubby's test came back phenomenal I think we are fine.

After my positive opk I had a nice temp spike the morning after.  It's so hard not to over analyze and hope that this is it.  I keep telling Dave that I'm not super hopeful and that I can wait, but it's going to be a long week.  I keep looking at other charts that resulted in a pregnancy for some link to mine, but theyre all different.  Bottom line theres no way of knowing until you know.  sigh.

On another note, I've incorporated b6 into my meds as a hope to lengthen my luteal phase a bit.  My goal is to make it to Friday to test.  I think I can I think I can.

You down with hsg? Yeah you know me!

I had my hsg On Wednesday.  An hsg is, for those who don't know, an X-ray to determine if the Fallopian tubes are blocked.

I took the day off work, not knowing how I would feel afterwards.  Shaved all the goods including the legs which had been several weeks. As a side note, I'm not really sure how to go about talking to my new boss about my infertility issues.  Obviously I'm not laying out my life story but when I take days off for testing or if god forbid, iui or ivf, some explanation is warranted.  Today I just left it at I'm having a minor procedure done.

But back to my story.  Took the day off, had a Valium and some ibuprofen and went to the radiology clinic.  Another sidenote, omg, the Valium was wonderful, I was so relaxed and minimally stressed, loved it.  Our RE meets us there and greets us.  It's comforting knowing he recognizes us and takes the time to say hi.  He even allows Dave to come in for the procedure.

So I get gussied up n a hospital gown, hop up n the X-ray table with my naked ass for all to see and spread my legs to get this over with.  I awkwardly leave my flats on, making a mental note to next time wear socks.  With Dave looking on, my RE puts a speculum in and clicks my cervix open.  Then he takes a sponge and cleans my cervix and then wipes it down with a cotton ball.  It hurts like a bitch and I watch Dave watch me.  Then a catheter with a small balloon is put in me.  He inflates the balloon which is a lot of pressure, almost like I have to poop.  I feel my body tense out of discomfort and fear and I close my eyes and focus on the breathing. My RE makes some comment that my Fallopian tubes are beautiful, no sign of blockage and its over! It's a relief knowing theres nothing to worry about on that end.  After that I had bad cramps for like 30 minutes and was done.  Not bad.

So the plan is try for three more months and then amp it up to clomid.  The thing is I think a big part is I have a short luteal phase.  10 days or less indicates a luteal phase issue and isn't enough time for an embryo to implant.  By temping, my luteal phase is on average 9 days.  I didn't bring it up to my RE because he thinks temping is crap, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do long term.  Fr now I'm taking b6 in an attempt to lengthen my luteal phase.  Hoping this works.

Here We Go!

After a lengthy discussion with the hubster we decided to start trying again next month. I haven't been his anxious for my period to arrive since I was in college ( har har)!

We decided for next month for a couple of reasons. One, I looked up my employers leave a bit more closely and it states they are willing to give employees on probation the leave but they are just on probation longer, which I can deal with. I should also have enough leave and money saved up to cover twelve weeks if we don't. And this is if by some miracle we get pregnant next month. If we do get pregnant the due date will be in December which is when I started the new position.

So the next step, besides lots of sex, is to schedule an hsg. For those who are unfamiliar an hsg is an X-ray to make sure your tubes are open. The re injects a dye through the cervix with ma catheter and then with the X-ray sees if there is any blockage. I'm a bit nervous because not only do they prescribe ibuprofen but also Valium to help "relax the cervix".  Eek not my favorite.

I'm excited to start trying and think we've made a good decision that works for both of us. In a weird way I also believe in signs that you're going in the right direction.  The day we decided to start trying again, it snowed for the first time in over five years. And not just a five minute flurry but snow all day. That evening we walked around our neighborhood with the snow falling softly at our feet. It seemed as if the universe/heavens were sending their support and affirmation that this was our path right now.

Two Cycles Left

Like the title says, I've got two more cycles before we can start again. Two short cycles, seven weeks, a month and a half. It did go quickly,  I'm hoping the next seven go quick too.

I haven't been feeling myself lately. I do feel caught up in not being pregnant and finding out other people are. It still stings, this month it was a coworker, who has only been trying for three months. Life's not fair sometimes. And it sucks.

Sometimes I think about telling my mom but I haven't made up my mind. I know that she had difficulty because she was an older mom, and I remember her telling me about a miscarriage where the doctor told her it wasn't viable, so maybe she had betas. But she never talks about it. I don't want to stress her out or worry anymore about me.  Plus a big part of me really wants it to be a big surprise when I do (and I will) get pregnant.

Mad

I'm mad that I Have to wait another 2 months before we can even start trying. I'm mad that I can't sign up for short term disability despite changing jobs. I'm mad that everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat but me. I'm mad that my body won't cooperate. I'm mad that literally everyone who I knew was trying to get pregnant is now pregnant but me. I'm mad that I can't let go and compare myself to others. I'm mad that I dont know what my husband can do to console me. I'm mad that I feel alone in this. I'm mad that I act like a brat even though I tell myself to snap out of it.

The Waiting Game

It's going to be slow over here for the next few months, since this blog is about making a baby and we aren't trying to make a baby for the next few months.  Today I start the metformin again and start charting tomorrow.  I'd rather have a few charts under my belt to confirm that I'm ovulating and get a better idea of our timing.  No opks until we start trying.  Shit is expensive, I use the smiley opks since the cheap ones stress me out more.

The current argument in our home is when to officially start trying.  I started my new job after Xmas and maternity benefits start a year after, which means the minimum I can get pregnant is march.  I want to start trying then since we most likely wont be successful, and if we were we would narrowly meet the one yr mark at birth.  Husband doesn't want to risk it and wants to wait until April. That's a whole other month which just seems so long.  April?! Sigh, I know he's right but man..April....

I do notice that while I still am wanting to try and get pregnant, it's not as desperate as it was a few months ago.  I think it's because of the new job, I feel more fulfillment and less stress, so perhaps I'm not trying to supplement or find happiness in other ways.

I know this will be good in the long run.  At least that's what I keep repeating to myself.  We will be able to save more money, maybe a few more house projects done.  This will all be worth it in the end.

2013...Here we go!

Happy New Year!

I find myself actually really excited for 2013 and pretty upbeat at the moment.  Here's hoping it lasts lol! I'm excited because I really think that 2013 will be our year, I know we won't have a baby by the end of this year but I'm super hopeful that I will be pregnant by the end of the year.  2012 was so hard emotionally and physically that I'm just ready for a bit of an easier time.

Starting next cycle ill start taking the metformin again.  I stopped right around when I found out we had to hold off for 3 months and got really disheartened, plus I hated taking four huge pills everyday that tasted like mothballs and rotten fish.  So in a few weeks bring on the rotten fish pills! I also haven't been doing my temp and charting either.  I just ended a break and regroup, but I wanted at least one cycle under my belt before we start trying so that I get in the habit.  We also decided to put off the hsg  ( that's when they run dye through your tubes to make sure there's no blockage) until march because it seems like you are most fertile and able to conceive after they "clear everything out" .

So for now I'm excited and hopeful for what this year brings.  Bring it 2013!