As the title says, I'm benched and its nobody's fault but my own. And I'm gutted. It's day 76 of no period so my re ran some labs. And the labs were not good. Basically I'm prediabetic and can't go any further until I lose 20 pounds. And I'm so so frustrated. I've been trying to lose weight for years with little success.
So now after a year and a half of trying and a year of really trying to get pregnant, I'm benched because I'm too much of a fatty who can't lose weight. And I can't blame anyone but me.
People say that if you want something bad enough you'll change. It's not that easy. Do people really think I enjoy being a size 14 and the heaviest in photos? I don't. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing. And now I can't get pregnant until I lose 20 pounds.
I'm so upset, at myself, at the situation and just life in general. And I just want so e Ben and Jerry's.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
My Love
I met my husband when I was 19 years old. He was 20 and was a friend of the girl across the hall. When I saw him it wasn't love at first sight, it was barely an acknowledgement. He was our DD when we went to a frat party. He stuck by my side throughout the night, but I kept sneaking away because I was into another guy. Then the party got busted and I remember grabbing his hand while the cops questioned our age. Romantic I know.
The romantic part came later. He began to hang out with my friends more and more. And then one day I realized I liked him, a lot. It's weird to explain, but it felt like a part of my soul went "oh there you are." I never felt comfortable with any other guy, but with Dave it was seamless. He became my best friend.
Our first few months were very soap opera-y. You know, the drama played out by teenagers who think they are adults. He said I love you first, a complete slip of the tongue, but I believe he truly meant it. Of course he briefly "took it back" saying he felt we were too young to feel that way. My mom says that she felt he just wasn't ready to fall that hard, that fast, that young. I get it now, but oh the tears I cried those months.
Then one day it clicked for him and we were in it for good and never looked back. We married five years after we started dating and have been together for over eight years now, three of them as husband and wife.
He's my best friend and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He encourages me to reach my goals, to be the best i can be, and oh the way he looks at me! It's like we are the only two people on earth. I can feel the love in his eyes, and I feel my heart swell that it wants to burst out of my chest, I love him so! As the years go on, I fall more in love with him, and he with me. And when we come home at night after long days at work, my soul goes "there you are" once again. I do feel lucky in that area, my husband is the best person for me, and for that, I am blessed.
The romantic part came later. He began to hang out with my friends more and more. And then one day I realized I liked him, a lot. It's weird to explain, but it felt like a part of my soul went "oh there you are." I never felt comfortable with any other guy, but with Dave it was seamless. He became my best friend.
Our first few months were very soap opera-y. You know, the drama played out by teenagers who think they are adults. He said I love you first, a complete slip of the tongue, but I believe he truly meant it. Of course he briefly "took it back" saying he felt we were too young to feel that way. My mom says that she felt he just wasn't ready to fall that hard, that fast, that young. I get it now, but oh the tears I cried those months.
Then one day it clicked for him and we were in it for good and never looked back. We married five years after we started dating and have been together for over eight years now, three of them as husband and wife.
He's my best friend and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He encourages me to reach my goals, to be the best i can be, and oh the way he looks at me! It's like we are the only two people on earth. I can feel the love in his eyes, and I feel my heart swell that it wants to burst out of my chest, I love him so! As the years go on, I fall more in love with him, and he with me. And when we come home at night after long days at work, my soul goes "there you are" once again. I do feel lucky in that area, my husband is the best person for me, and for that, I am blessed.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Ovaries why u no ovulate?!?
Ugh, just ovulate already bitches!
I don't think it's in the cards this cycle, considering this cycle is now on day 58. I'm annoyed and disheartened. And tired of sex. After at a minimum having sex every other day, I'm over it. Sex has lost its fun 90% of the time and is mostly just a part of the bedtime routine. brush teeth, take meds, have sex, go to sleep. I have been super vigilant about charting, which Ive found makes me less stressed. My body keeps gearing up to ovulate but then nothing happens.
I do keep having waves of sadness, which keeps getting more pronounced as more people announce their pregnancies. There was a beautiful blog entry by one of the bloggers I read, about infertility and the desire to be pregnant- Check her out. She adopted her son from Russia last Thanksgiving and recently decided to begin infertility treatments for her second child.
So I've resigned myself that clomid is our next option. I think my RE wants to do iui with it. Like I said in my previous entry, I feel like a bit of a failure that my body isn't ovulating, and I'm terrified of the clomid s side effects. I talked with Dave about where he was and how he feels our next step should be. He is ready as well to move onto something else.
Next entry is going to be more positive, I promise!
I don't think it's in the cards this cycle, considering this cycle is now on day 58. I'm annoyed and disheartened. And tired of sex. After at a minimum having sex every other day, I'm over it. Sex has lost its fun 90% of the time and is mostly just a part of the bedtime routine. brush teeth, take meds, have sex, go to sleep. I have been super vigilant about charting, which Ive found makes me less stressed. My body keeps gearing up to ovulate but then nothing happens.
I do keep having waves of sadness, which keeps getting more pronounced as more people announce their pregnancies. There was a beautiful blog entry by one of the bloggers I read, about infertility and the desire to be pregnant- Check her out. She adopted her son from Russia last Thanksgiving and recently decided to begin infertility treatments for her second child.
So I've resigned myself that clomid is our next option. I think my RE wants to do iui with it. Like I said in my previous entry, I feel like a bit of a failure that my body isn't ovulating, and I'm terrified of the clomid s side effects. I talked with Dave about where he was and how he feels our next step should be. He is ready as well to move onto something else.
Next entry is going to be more positive, I promise!
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